


No Sweatpants

by heathercat56



Category: Outlander (TV) RPF
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 07:45:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7968349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heathercat56/pseuds/heathercat56
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fluffy, but crack fic about Cait and Sam's rehearsals before their first sex scenes. Written in screenplay format because reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Sweatpants

FADE IN:

 

INT. A SMALL LIBRARY WITH LIT FIREPLACE - NIGHT

 

NARRATOR sits in an overstuffed armchair by the fireplace. Reading glasses on a chain perched on her nose and cigarillo and whiskey in one manicured claw, she pets the large orange Persian cat on her lap. She’s a mashup of Dame Edna and the Criminologist from Rocky Horror.

 

NARRATOR

We return to our story where Cait has just found out that they are going to have to film the makeup sex from episode 9 BEFORE any of the wedding episode - this had nearly brought her to tears.

How on earth were they supposed to do this that far out of sequence?

To help her out, Sam, Matt and Maril have arranged for a small rehearsal room to be set aside for the two of them to “block out” the scene – one with a lock on the door.

 

NARRATOR puts down the whiskey on a side table.

 

NARRATOR

But Sam knows he has a bigger problem on his hands. He needs to get Cait over the inherent awkwardness of doing sex scenes – and he needs to do it fast. The scene is on the schedule to shoot in 2 days.

But right now, it's what she is wearing when she walks in that’s throwing him for a loop rather than the road they are about to embark on.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. REHEARSAL ROOM – DAY

 

BIRDS EYE VIEW ESTABLISHING SHOT as CAIT walks in, SAM shutting the door behind her and turning the lock.

 

It’s a bare bones empty room, 20’x20’ with a large carpet in the middle. An old vanity and mirror with chair is set on one end, with a vertical footboard and red tape lines denoting the fireplace on the carpet facing each other. It’s the layout of the bedroom at Leoch.

An old brown microfiber couch sits on the opposite end.

 

CUT TO MID/OVER THE SHOULDER CENTERED on CAIT:

 

SAM and CAIT are standing just inside the door, CAIT with a wary look on her face and SAM with a smile and look of surprise. She’s wearing Grumpy Cat pajamas – a grey tee with “This IS my happy face” and pajama bottoms with little grumpy cats on them. He is wearing a cream Henley and tan cargo shorts. Both are barefoot.  

 

SAM

Wee kittens?

 

CAIT

That’s Grumpy Cat, I’ll have you know.

 

SAM

So, wee grumpy kittens, then. He looks like Eddie.

 

CAIT

SHE, Heughan. Grumpy Cat is a SHE. Just like Eddie.

He circles her.

SAM

Why are you wearing pajamas, anyway?

 

CAIT

Well, we’re about to rehearse all manner of uncomfortable positions, aren’t we? The least I could do is make sure I was comfortable. Why are you wearing cargo shorts? Why not sweatpants?

 

He stops in his tracks, almost back to facing her again. A beat.

 

SAM

Do you really want me to answer that?

 

Another pause – this one pregnant.

 

CAIT

On second thought, no I don’t.

 

SAM (wryly)

No. You don’t.

 

Another beat.

 

CAIT (exasperated)

All, right so how should we do this? I mean you’re the more experienced one.

 

SAM (slightly offended)

What’s that supposed to mean, exactly?

 

CAIT

I mean you’ve certainly done more love scenes than I have. I mean, we’ve both discussed and covered it in school or class, but you’ve actually done this before. With men, even.

 

SAM

Right. Well… (deep breath)

You remember the scene from the first book where Jamie talks about getting a horse to get used to you by rubbing your armpit over its nose?

 

CAIT

Right. Had to look up what “oxter” meant. Yes.

 

SAM

Right. That’s… what I’ve usually done with my scene partners.

 

CAIT (bubbling up a smile at this)

Soo… you want me to sniff your pits? (giggle)

Jesus, Heughan…

 

SAM

No, no, no. I mean, we just have to make ourselves get used to each other. Physically. Get physically close and just get used to each other.

 

CAIT

Right.

 

She gestures back and forth between the two of them.

 

CAIT

By means of?

 

SAM

Uh… Hugging for a start? Cuddling?

 

CAIT

Cuddling?

 

SAM

Yes, Balfe, cuddling. It’s a thing people do where they hold each other.

 

CAIT

Don’t get saucy with me…. Fine. Cuddling. How do we…

 

SAM

Jesus Christ, come over here.

 

 

He takes her hand and -

CUT TO WIDE framing shot of the couch.

-leads her to the couch and sits down, pulling her down onto his lap, Santa Claus-style to start, her legs running perpendicular to his.

 

SAM

Is this okay?

 

CAIT

Mmhm.

 

He puts his arms around her waist, hugging her.

 

SAM

This okay?

 

CAIT

Mmmm.

 

Still holding her waist, he starts to tip over slowly-

 

SAM

Timberrrrr…

 

CAIT

(giggles)

 

-putting them on their sides and they settle into a spooned position, his left arm holding her close at the waist, but not venturing elsewhere.

 

SAM

Okay?

 

CAIT

Mmm.

 

CUT to BIRDS EYE – It’s just the two of them in the resounding silence of the rehearsal room.

 

CUT to high angle CLOSE UP above the two of them.

 

SAM neighs quietly into CAIT’s left ear and gets her signature giggle in return.

This is going better than he hoped.

 

CAIT

You’re comfy.

 

SAM

So I’ve been told.

 

A beat.

 

SAM

You smell good.

 

CAIT

Thanks. You do, too. CK One?

 

SAM

Yup. Good nose.

 

CAIT

Thanks.

 

A beat.

 

CAIT

I could fall asleep like this.

 

SAM

Mmm, good. That’s good.

 

 

CAIT

So now what?

 

CUT to WIDE shot framing just the couch.

He slaps her hip and sits back up on the couch, pulling her legs back over his so his feet touch the ground again.

SAM

Now… we should kiss.

 

CAIT (muttering)

Oh reeeeally? You’re not one to fuck around, are ye?

 

She sits back up, just sitting side by side again.

 

SAM

Come here, you.

 

CUT to MID SHOT looking down the length of couch from their left.

 

He reaches over and grabs her waist with both hands, picking her up bodily and turning her to face him and pulling her right leg over so she straddles his lap. She puts her hands on his shoulders.

 

CAIT

Why is this so weird?

 

SAM (chuckling)

Because you’re making it weird.

 

A beat.

 

SAM (sighing)

Okay, serious face. Focus. Look, we’re going to be simulating actual sex in front of a whole lot of crew.

 

CAIT

Eww.

 

SAM

Naked. Lots of humping and grinding. For hours.

 

CAIT

Ugghhhh…

 

SAM

But the kissing - the kissing’s got to be real, okay? You can’t fake good snogging.

 

CAIT (wincing)

And it’s all going to be in-camera, isn’t it?

 

SAM

Yup. In-camera and close-up, too. Hell, the fans will probably be able to see whether we’re using tongue or not.

 

CAIT

Oh, fer gawd’s sake.

 

SAM (frustrated now)

Look, this is what you signed on for. Snogging a stranger for seven years.

 

CAIT

You signed a bloody seven year contract, too?

 

SAM

Yup. Agent said it was the best thing. Contract for seven, pay for two.

 

CAIT

Same.

 

A beat.

 

CAIT

Back to this… kissing thing…

 

SAM

Look, I’m sorry for what I said. And I’m sorry if I’ve been too bold about this. You’re not a stranger, and I’m not a stranger to you, either, I’d hope after boot camp. We’re friends, right?

 

CAIT

Right.

 

SAM

And we can do this, right? And not make it weird? Because we’re friends?

 

CAIT (giving a small salute)

Right-o.

 

SAM (lowering his voice, mock-seductively, smiling and leaning towards her)

Well, then… Kiss me, Cait. (Pronounced “Kate” here – he’s hoping to get a rise out of her)

 

CAIT (leaning back, a hand on his chest)

Ugh, it’s just… it’s so awkw-

 

 

Seeing this talking is getting them nowhere, he licks his lips once and grabs her by the back of her head with both hands, pulls her towards him and kisses her hard, once. A sudden buss intended to break the ice.

 

SAM (smiling)

Now, how hard was that?

 

CAIT (wincing)

Owww... Literally, too hard. Please be softer. Big front teeth.

 

SAM

Shit. Sorry.

 

CAIT (exasperated)

Can I just…

 

She puts her left hand up to his cheek and looks him full in the eyes, very close. He freezes, looking back into her lighter blue. A long, silence here while they just look at each other, studying each other's faces.

 

CUT to WIDE SHOT of the room at large – nothing moves. The only sound the wind outside and a distant clock tick.

 

CUT to CLOSE UP two-shot

 

CAIT

You have this little patch of brown in your-

 

SAM

Left eye. I know.

 

CAIT

And there’s a little-

 

SAM (smiling)

On the right side, too.

 

They inch closer with each second that passes. Finally as they get close enough that the tips of their noses start to pass each other, they close their eyes at this gentlest of kisses, her top lip on top of his.  Lips barely parted, they both put pressure onto each other, making this a true kiss rather than a mere meeting of lips.

 

They both hold this for a while, not opening mouths further or crossing lines further.

 

Finally, Cait needs to breathe and parts, pulling back just a few inches.

 

SAM

Was that oka-

 

She pulls him towards her and kisses him again, intended to cut off conversation. She needs to feel her way through this - talking obviously wasn’t doing either of them any good.

 

His left hand rises from her hip to the back of her head, grazing her breast accidentally in the process.

 

SAM

Sorry, I-

 

CAIT

Shh.

 

They continue this dance. Changing which side their noses are on - whose lip is on top. They both keep breathing through their noses, but it’s coming faster as they continue experimenting.

 

His right hand rises to meet the other side of her neck and

 

Intercut SHOT: his fingers delve into her hairline, seeking purchase against her scalp

 

Return to CLOSEUP: to control the angle and deepen the kiss.

Her hair is back in a ponytail and he wishes it was loose so he could run his fingers through it.

 

Intercut SHOT: Her right hand sat at his waist, but now reaches back, gripping and bunching the material at the back of his shirt, resisting the urge to run her nails down his back. She uses her knees to shift her hips forward, instinctively grinding against him.

 

Return to CLOSEUP:

Finally he breaks the kiss with a gasp.

 

SAM

Cait, I-

 

CAIT

Please, Sam-

 

SAM

Stop.

(He shuts his eyes, his head bowed, concentrating.)

Freeze.

 

With both hands still holding her head, he holds her away from him, but can still feel her pushing to reach him again, like two magnets in proximity. They are both breathing fast.

 

SAM (jaw clenched)

Give me a second.

 

CAIT (whispers)

Okay.

 

She slumps her lower back, tilting her hips towards him. And feels under her the reason why he might need a second.

 

CAIT

Thank you for not wearing sweatpants.

 

SAM

(Still looking down, he laughs ruefully)

 

He looks up at her at this, a smile in his eyes, but something else behind it - something feral and possessive. He answers slowly and with a slight growl.

 

SAM

You’re welcome.

 

 

END SCENE


End file.
